I obtained a partial script of a stage play which recently premiered in Paris. The original was written and performed in French, its title is “La Passion de Don Carlos”and rumours go the lead role was played by none other but Antonio Banderas!

In the centre is a romantic triangle, at the background of international cancer research, with murder, money and religion thrown in the mix. Valentine’s Day is over, and April 1st is still weeks away, but I decided to publish it the drama script now, what with the events in Spain. What I have here is a poor English translation, but I hope you like it anyway. Apparently, any similarities with Spanish or French cancer researchers are entirely coincidental.

La Passion de Don Carlos

Main Characters:

Carlos, a Spanish star scientist on sabbatical in France

Guido, another eminent cancer researcher, of German origin, and Carlos’ host

Laurence, French scientist, life partner and scientific collaborator of Guido

Set: Bedroom, time: late evening. Carlos is lying in bed wearing pajamas, Laurence, dressed casually and in “KroemerLab” T-shirt, sits next to him holding his hand. Door opens, Guido walks in, dressed smart, tie loosened.

Guido:

Liebling, what a party! Eighty years CNRS and you missed it! So much booze I had to run to gents and guess whom I see there? Catherine! She was kicking that nasty Le Monde journo, and guess who was holding him in the headlock? Antoine! You know he is not petit at all, Antoine: big guy, used to play rugby. So Cathy is kicking that journo while Antoine holds him tight, I think she specially put on her pointiest shoes, and then she turns around, sees me, smiles and says: Don’t you worry Guido. I will make sure you won’t retract a single paper. Kisses to Carlos, she also said. Carlos? Carlos, you asleep? What are you doing in our bed, amigo?

Laurence:

Carlos is unwell. He keeps waking up, screaming “putos ratones”, I think he has nightmares. He will stay in our bed, Guido. You will rest now, right, Carlos?

Carlos:

Si. Very cushy pajamas, thanks Guido.

Guido:

What was wrong with the couch, Carlos? Laurence, we can’t sleep on the couch in our own home!

Laurence:

You will be sleeping on the couch, Guido. Just you. Carlos is very unwell, he needs company. Besides, he teaches me the Photoshop.

Guido:

The Photoshop? I taught you all there is to know about The Photoshop, remember? This was how we met, Liebling! You forgot how I showed you [makes quotation marks with fingers] the secret to big science? What do you need Carlos’ ham-fisted blot cloning for? I made up stuff those morons on PubPeer will never notice, in their entire pathetic lives! Even Catherine was impressed when I told her. Laurence, remember how we first collaborated, was it what, twenty years ago? We did it all, long before Photoshop became cool and I showed you all the tricks there are, this was when you fell in love with me! You used to call me your Blot Maestro! And, by the way, [turns to Carlos] none of my papers were ever retracted.

Carlos:

That hurt my friend. If you don’t like me being here, I can take my suitcases elsewhere. Including that [makes quotation marks with fingers] Eee-Arr-See suitcase, you know? Guido?

Laurence:

Boys, stop. Friends again now. This is serious business, I keep getting those phone calls from Brussels, they ask if I know where the money is. Carlos, lie down again. These mice are all dead now, they can’t hurt you anymore, you are safe.

Guido:

Oh yeah, the mice! How was the trip to Oviedo, Carlos? Did the little rodents meet with some [coughs falsely] unfortunate accident? Did Suarez do as you asked? [makes a cut-throat sign]

Carlos:

Si, all dead. But I killed them myself, with my own two hands! [lifts his hands, which are trembling] Six thousand of them, I think I accidentally also killed mice belonging to other people… It was horrible, I worked through the entire night, alone… I was in that rage you know, couldn’t read cage labels anymore.… When I thought I couldn’t do it anymore, I gave mice the names of certain people before I did them, it helped… I think I almost strangled some Pomeranian on my way from Bioterio, the owner hit me with her handbag, an old lady… Had to run from the police then…

Laurence:

You poor man, you did it all alone, through the night? Was nobody there to help you?

Carlos:

[shakes his head, he lies down again]. I am telling you, I was alone. All night. They are all dead now. Suarez now takes care of the story, that pathetic chickenshit.

Guido:

Was Suarez not supposed to help you? He said he would.

Carlos:

Suarez is a wimp. First mouse bites him, he cries like a little girl and runs out. Sat then in the corner quivering, all night while I did the job. [shouts] Putos ratones!

Guido:

So sorry, Carlos. If I knew, I would have come with you to Oviedo. I love destroying evidence [winks at Laurence, who smiles knowingly]

Door rings. Guido walks out to answer. One hears someone indistinctly speaking Spanish,

Guido:

[answers first in Spanish, indistinctly, then calls out] I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition!

Slap in a face is heard, Guido shouts out in pain. Enter three men dressed very much like the Monty Python characters from the Spanish Inquisition sketch.

Inquision Men #1-3

[chanting]: Pie Jesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Jesu domine, dona eis requiem

Inquisition Man #1:

[to Carlos] Hola Don Carlos, finalmente!

Guido :

[walks in, rubbing his cheek] They say they are Asturian journalists and want to interview you [turns to Carlos] but [to Laurence] I think they are actually Opus Dei or something…

    Inquisition Man #1

[turns and lifts a finger at Guido] Cuidado, cabron.

Inquisition Men walk over to Carlos, the four whisper indistinctly in Spanish. Inquisition Man #1 points at Guido.

Carlos:

Él esta bien. Un Alemán.

Inquisition men nod approvingly.

Inquisition Man #1:

[says something else, indistinctly, to Carlos, then points backward with his thumb at Laurence] Zitvogel?

Guido:

[hastily] Oh-oh, no no no, señores. Ella non es Zitvogel. Ella es Frau Laurence zu Vogelstein, we are all good Christian Catholics here!

Inquisition men nod and return to murmuring indistinctly in Spanish with Carlos.

Laurence:

What are you talking about dear? You are German, I am not! I am….

Guido:

Liebling, sei ruhig! These men are [whispers] Opus Dei! [Inquision men turn around and look at Guido with suspicion] I mean what honour for us three good Catholics to have Opus Dei here! Wine anyone? Coffee? Have we got any biscuits, Frau?

Laurence:

I thought you said they were journalists from Asturia? And why do I have to hide that I am…

Guido:

[forms praying sign imploring Laurence] Liebling, they are special journalists, they came to interview Carlos for La Nueva Inquisición [angry glance from Inquisition man #1] I mean La Nueva Espana, Senor Alvarez! [To Laurence] Now help me get us all coffee like a good Catholic wife you are. Schnell, raus.

Guido and Laurence exit the bedroom to another end of the stage where the kitchen is. Carlos and Inquisition Men, who climb into his bed, remain seen in the background. They all hold rosaries and are heard murmuring, with occasional fragments of Hail Mary and Our Father prayers, in Spanish.

Laurence:

Guido, I will not be portrayed in my own house as some German Frau zu Vogelstein!

Guido:

It’s for Carlos, his Spanish friends are… a bit conservative. Thank God you are blonde, Frau zu Vogelstein or they would never have believed me… Coffee?

They make coffee and sit down with cups, at some point Inquisition Men are seen getting out of bed, exchanging cheek kisses with Carlos and leaving. Carlos jumps out of bed and runs into the kitchen, waving a rosary.

Carlos:

Friends, great news! They explained it to me! The Devil did it! I was possessed by Satan! Dios mio, Hallelujah!

Laurence:

Carlos, you are unwell. You have a fever and you are raving. Please go back and lie down.

Guido:

Yes Carlos, take the couch [Laurence glances at Guido]. I mean, take the bed. I will sleep on the couch. Which Satan were you talking about, that blogger troll?

Carlos:

The real Satan, el Diablo! I didn’t want to believe it myself, but it makes sense! The Devil meddled into my science, soiled my papers and brought me the retractions. The Devil screwed up my transgenic mice, and then made me kill them! I was possessed, mis amigos! [falls on his knees and prays, clutching his rosary] Dios te salve, María, llena eres de gracia, el Señor es contigo. Bendita tú eres entre todas las mujeres,y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre, Jesús. Santa María, Madre de Dios….

Laurence:

Carlos… Carlos… get up… It can’t be. We all do a bit of Photoshop now and then, it’s fun. It’s not a sin, it’s science. Here in France, we celebrate it. Right, Guido? You saw Catherine tonight, right? What did she say?

Guido:

She said not to worry and sent kisses to Carlos. And Antoine gave me a thumbs-up I think. Carlos, get up. Let’s all Photoshop together, right now. Let’s make a Cancer Cell paper, all three of us! Nah, let’s do Cell proper, that will show everyone! They like Photoshop there and never retract anything [beaming first at Carlos, then at Laurence, who smiles back]

Carlos:

[gets up and sits down at kitchen table] Later, maybe. I made up my mind. Tomorrow I’ll go back to Oviedo. We will do exorcism. They will bring someone from Navarra, a specialist. Same guy who did Gosalvez back in the eighties, he must be like hundred now, ancient, like Lonesome George, you know, that tortoise [sighs]…  but he will come to Oviedo to save me and then bless my whole lab. The exorcist, not the tortoise. And even bless that fucking Bioterio, Alvarez said they would even pray for the mice!

Guido:

Exorcism? What a strange idea Carlos. How much do these Opus people charge anyway?

Carlos:

They don’t charge, Guido, don’t you blaspheme here! There will surely be enough in that [makes quotation marks with fingers] Eee-Arr-See suitcase for a small caritative donation, OK? [Guido makes a worried face] Enough will remain for us all, friends. Oh, it will be great. I want all my friends to be there at my exorcism. Margarita will sure come. Come also!

Laurence:

If it makes you feel better Carlos… Would you like a chamomile tea? [handles Carlos a cup] Shall we also go to Oviedo, Guido? I sure would like to see an exorcism show!

Guido:

Ahem… Laurence, you can’t go… [to Carlos] Her [makes quotation marks with fingers] tribe is you know… not welcome with Opus. Not sure I can pull off that Frau zu Vogelstein trick again… But I will come!

Carlos:

Brilliant! Like the old times, Guido, you and I, doing our thing together! Everything will be allright afterwards, back like it used to. Let’s pack our suitcases!

Guido:

But not THAT suitcase, Carlos!

Guido, Carlos and Laurence laugh and cheer each other with cups.

 

Curtains.

 

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